In the Snoooze...

Real news

Amadeus! Two long-lost works by Mozart discovered By DAILY MAIL REPORTERLast updated at 12:28 AM on 24th July 2009-- Two pieces of music by Mozart have been discovered almost 220 years after his death. The Salzburg-based International Mozarteum Foundation said yesterday that the piano pieces have been identified as works composed by Mozart in his youth.

Yes and how did they know they were composed by Mozart? Because the music was filled with greasy little boy fingerprints of Weiner-Schnitzel.

You know, in the corners just where you turn the page.

The fingerprints date back to 1764, making Mozart eight.... and rather well-fed.

Weiner Schnitzel, the Chef Boy Ardee of 18th century, was the fast food of choice in Salzburg.

Fla. Hospital DefendsDeporting Patient Updated: Thursday, 23 Jul 2009, 7:01 AM EDTPublished : Thursday, 23 Jul 2009, 7:00 AM EDTBy The Associated Press

STUART, Fla. – A South Florida hospital quietly chartered a plane and sent a seriously brain injured illegal immigrant back to Guatemala over the objections of his family and legal guardian.
Hospital attorney Scott Machaud asked, “Why should Martin Memorial Medical Center have to pay for a lifetime of care "for injuries we didn't even cause?" He said the hospital saved the life of 37-year-old Luis Jimenez and provided the uninsured man with $1.5 million worth of care, only to be unfairly hit with a lawsuit.

"Paging Alice in Wonderland, where up is down and down is up and no good deed goes unpunished," Machaud exclaimed.

Yeah, well Obama says he wasn't brain damaged at all, the guy just had a headache. But the doctors treated him for brain damage so they could charge more. It's those damn greedy doctors! The guy's fine, he's living with his mom.

He's got the mental capacity of a fourth grader? That qualifies him for a seat in Illinois government.

PORTLAND, Ore. - 81-year-old Hershel McGriff has become the oldest driver to take part in a national NASCAR series race after qualifying for a Camping World West Series event.
McGriff took part in Sunday's pre-race qualifying but made the race as one of 26 drivers competing for 28 spots in the field.

McGriff has not raced in a NASCAR series event since 2002.

Because in 2002 he was diagnosed with Alzheimers. In fact, he still doesn't know it's a race. He's just in a hurry.

Because in 2002 his wife made him retire. She thought racing was too dangerous. But now that he's been home with her ALL DAY for the past 7 years, she's changed her mind.

The human body literally glows, emitting a visible light in extremely small quantities at levels that rise and fall with the day, scientists now reveal.

Scientists in Japan employed extraordinarily sensitive cameras capable of detecting single photons. The researchers found the body glow rose and fell over the day, with its lowest point at 10 a.m. and its peak at 4 p.m., dropping gradually after that.

My body glows at 4pm but that's because the AC doesn't work.

Boy, 2, has pack-a-day habitIANJIN, China, June 30 (UPI) -- The parents of a 2-year-old in China who smokes at least a pack of cigarettes a day say they are seeking advice to help the toddler quit.Toddler Tong Liangliang of Tianjin, China, was allowed to begin smoking by his father more than a year ago to help control pain from a hernia with which he was born, but his parents say the toddler's habit has gotten out of control, China Radio International reported Tuesday.The boy's father said he made the decision because the toddler is too young to have an operation to correct the hernia.

They forgot to mention Tong LiangLiang's dad's name: Sum DumDum.

Sears Tower unveils 103rd floor glass balconies By KAREN HAWKINS, Associated Press Writer – Wed Jul 1, 5:05 pm ETCHICAGO – Visitors to the Sears Tower's new glass balconies all seem to agree: The first step is the hardest.The balconies are suspended 1,353 feet in the air and jut out four feet from the building's 103rd floor Skydeck. Their transparent walls, floor and ceiling leave visitors with the impression they're floating over the city.

How many pervs are going to be hovering around the Sears tower when the Scottish Kilt Brigade visits?

Staff strip naked to improve morale By Ben LeachPublished: 12:00PM BST 02 Jul 2009

Staff at a design and marketing company in Newcastle spent a day working together naked after being told it would improve their morale. David Taylor, a business psychologist, told workers at design and marketing onebestway, in Newcastle upon Tyne, that a Naked Friday idea would boost their team spirit.He was called in to help the firm after six staff members were forced into taking redundancies at the start of the credit crunch. Mr Taylor told them that, by stripping off their clothes, staff could also strip away inhibitions and talk to each other more openly and honestly.

Shouldn't it be called Freaky Friday?

Those conference room chairs get pretty gross after BURRITO FRIDAY

I've lived in Britain and seen how those people take care of their teeth. Don't really want to think about the other end.

Isn't that the same psychologist who advised the Chinese man to give his toddler cigarettes?

Obama: I'm Annoyed By The "Shine Police" July 2, 2009 01:22 PM EST

WASHINGTON — Now it can be told: President Obama says one of the best-kept secrets at the White House is the pastry chef's to-die-for pie.In an interview with The Associated Press on Thursday, Obama was asked to reveal a White House secret, and he dished about the pie.Obama says the pastry chef makes "the best pie I have ever tasted, and that has caused big problems with Michelle and I."The president said he and the first lady are "having to figure out how to resist ordering pie every night."

Should that be Michelle and me? Harvard's slipping.